The Perfect Coffee Mug

The perfect coffee mug* has several inherent, compulsory characteristics, of which bound together synergistically as a whole, offer up the perfect presentation of coffee.

Exterior Color:

Red but not too red. Must be a warm red but not a hot red. Not a flashy red but a confident red. It must be an energizing red yet not a nervous red.

The red color must be consistent over the entire mug including the base and handle.

The red must end distinctly at the appropriate line on the mug’s lip. See “interior color”.

Interior Color:

White but not too white. Creamy yet not cloudy. Must provide a complementary contrast to the rich illustrative visual disposition of the coffee.

The interior color transition at the mug’s lip to the exterior color is critical. The delineation must be crisp yet the creamy white must not violate the exterior mug color nor overstep its domestic boundaries. There must be a harmonizing simultaneity.

Lip:

The lip can destroy an otherwise well-conceived vessel. The lip must present the decoction in a confident yet humble manner and thus must flower lightly at point of presentation yet not dilute or spread thin the jamoca thereby diminishing the pleasure.

Shape:

Cylindered, confident, straight-walled, and uniform. Must feel substantial yet not overbearing – we do not wish to lift weights first thing in the morning. The handle brings the physical and practical application to fruition. It must be uniform in interior space, accommodating of the 4 fingers necessary for stability, and it must not pinch or over-weight any one finger. The overall balance is critical in that we do not desire a quick shift of momentum at a duplicitous tipping point as the mug modulates from the vertical to horizontal stages. (As opposed to mugs with weighted bases that are fine for table-sitting yet undermine the actual existential partaking of the peaberry drug.)

Graphics and Lettering:

Undesirable with one exception: the mug may read “Evista raloxifene HCI”**. Should you have in your possession a mug with said lettering or should you discover such a mug***, you have now come into the possession of The Perfect Coffee Mug****. You have now reached the pinnacle of self-actualization emancipating your morning upsurge in great amity and equanimity as you drink the life-sustaining nectar and wax sagaciously regarding the perfect trifecta of codependency.

*The perfect coffee mug in this elucidation refers to a mug used in the early morning for the day’s first presentation of coffee. This mug differs greatly from a mug used mid-morning or early afternoon and is entirely different than the late-day or evening coffee imbibing experience.

**Reduces the risk of invasive breast cancer in women. Certainly an advocacy we can all support as a world without breasts is a barren world lacking in nurture and comfort for all.

***While it was a blessing to obtain my Perfect Coffee Mug early in life, it is likely that I may never be so fortunate again. While working in her role as a P.A.C. many years ago, my wife Jill acquired the mug from a pharmaceutical drug rep. As Jill is no longer in the medical field and as most drug reps have been banned from proselytizing in the hospitals, I am forced to cherish my mug and to keep it in a controlled laboratory setting while cleansing it but once a year with freshly blossomed daisy petals and purified spring water.

****Tragically, my Perfect Coffee Mugs has obtained several physical indications of injustice as the lip has been chipped in several places. This, perhaps, is indicative of a lack of appreciation from others in the household. It is imperative that we each assume our part in “The Perfect Coffee Mug Awareness Campaign”.